I had not realized the rabbit hole I climbed into until I was nearing the bottom. When you fall that gracefully, it leaves you wondering how you got there. I was confused to feel my body hit the ground so suddenly.
The earth shook.
Something inside of me broke off.
I lay there for a while looking at the empty space surrounding me. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. For my body to adjust to the pain. For my skin to adjust to the bruising.
This was my death.
I wanted to stand again, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have the energy to lift myself up. I wanted to search for some meaning. I wanted to find a way out. My mind wouldn’t allow me to delve into these desires. Instead, I just experienced pain.The pain from the fall resonated through my entire being. A part of me was touched that was only meant for the hands of God. And she wept.
For days. For weeks. For months.
An entire season of rain passed through the desert land of my heart, but my soil was not watered. The seeds of love drowned inside of what was supposed to make them grow.
This was my funeral.
I could not open my lips to pray. I did not ask God to save me; I did not have the energy to reach for Him.
Instead, God came to me.
“Rest.” That was first word I heard. The only one that sat on my ears for a while. Then more came…
“I love you.“
Confusion on how a God can love someone who causes themselves harm filled my mind, but my response got lost in my exhaustion. So I rested. And I allowed God’s love to cover me like a blanket.
Except this was not a blanket meant for sleeping. It was one of restoration and of life.